Ambien......somebody stop me!!!

I think I'm going to have to get a sign to hang around my dog's neck after I take an Ambien that says "I'm off limits."  Probably wouldn't deter me from messing with him on Ambien, but it's a start.  First, I have to say that I had no idea that his head would get stuck in the jar. Ok....maybe I did, but I promise I won't ever do it again. 

As you'll probably figure out, I accidentally left my dog's treat bowl within his reach and he dumped them all out. (Note: It's not $hit on the floor, it's treats that strangely look like $hit in the video).  Anyway,  I got a kick out of watching him dig around for the treats (and I wonder why he has bad habits) so I decided to put a really good treat at the bottom of the jar and let him go at it.  Check out the video and please don't think any less of me. 






ambien, drugs, Halcion, Triazolam, Klonopin, Clonazepam, Ativan,Lorazepam, Xanax, Alprazolam

I've been to 2 County Fairs AND a Goat Ropin', but I've never seen shit like this.

I'm tarnished for life!!!!  My beautiful leg will never be the same....oh the misery!  Long story short, I ended up in the Emergency Room not too long ago after slicing myself on a piece of glass.  Have you ever seen anything so disgusting?  My best friend calls it my "second pussy."  (She's classy like that).

Here's how the day progressed at the ER.

9:00 am - Sit on the glass from a picture frame that was propped up against my wall.

9:01 am - Try to wipe of the sticker on my leg, but start hyperventalating when I realize that is not a sticker, it's a HUGE GAPING HOLE IN MY LEG.

9:02 am - Run around the house like a mad woman. (Have any of you seen "Bad Santa" with Billy Bob Thorton?  I ran around the house and screamed like that little boy when he got cut by a knife........"ooooooh,  ooooh, oooooh,  oooh, oooooooooh!!!!")

9:05 - Realize if I don't get someone here soon I will probably bleed out and die a lonley woman with my dog having to eat me until someone discovers me.

9:10-9:25-While waiting on my ride to take me to the hospital, I do the only thing a self respecting blogger would do.  I take pictures of my injury while waiting. 

9:25 My charriot arrives and takes me to the ER

10:00 am - Walk in the ER with this gash/second pussy protruding out of my leg.  Nurse tells me to take a seat and someone will help me.  (I'm thinking to myself, "there better be someone dying back there...otherwise you get me and my second pussy back there STAT!!!!!)

10:45  Finally make it to "triage" where they ask me what my symptoms are.  Seriously lady, the 4" long by 1.5" deep gash in my leg doesn't give you an idication of what's wrong with me?   When she asks me on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst), how my pain is, I decide to fuck with her.  "Oh, about a 3,"  I say, thinking she will get my twisted sense of humor that this HUGE GASH only hurt on a level of 3.  Stinkin' nurse writes down "3."

11:00 Sent back to lobby and they will call me when they're ready.

11:45 Get called into ER.  Now get this shit....this is where it gets good.  Some nurse comes to my room and gives me a $10 gift card to Bath & Body Works because it took longer than 20 minutes for them to get me in a room.  Being the bargian concious shopper that I am, I am torn between the cool gift card and the fact that I am at a hospital that gives out gift cards for their ineptness.  Cool gift card won!!!

12:00 Doctor comes in asks me what I want, stitches or staples.  Hello?  What causes the least scarring, and while you are in there, could you stick in your majic liposuction wand?  Stitches it is and no liposuction. 

12:15 Nurse comes in to give me tetnus shot.  Pain level?  9++++

12:30 Nurse comes in room while I am in the bathroom and leaves my pain killer on the cabinet.  Being the recreational pharmacologist that I am, I grad that pill like no one's business and swallow it down.

12:35 Nurse comes back in looking for pill she left on the counter. 

12:36 Lecture from nurse about the danger of taking medication without proper supervision.  ("F" her!!!! Don't leave pain pills laying around when my second pussy is bleeding like a muther!)

1:00 Doctor comes in to do the stitches.  I plead my vanity case and ask the doctor ever so nicely to make "teeny tiny" stitches.

1:01 After doctor administers the most hair rasingingly painful shot I've had in my 38 years, I tell him that my Turretts has been acting up and I apologize in advance for anything that might come out of my mouth. 10 shots later the doctor is quite impressed with my "potty mouth" (his words, not mine).  Hey, I'm here to educate the world on the fine art of stringing cuss words together to create the most unpleasant effect. 

1:30 FOURTEEN (yes 14!!!!) stitches later, the doctor has had enough of me and will send a nurse in to "clean me up. 

1:45  In comes a male nurse and he's dragging along an EMT because in the nurses words, "you've just got to see this man!"   I'm not sure if he's talking about the fact that I forgot to put panties on that morning and you can see straight up to my pooswah, or if he's talking about the narly stitches.  Either way, I told him if he brought one more person in, I was going to charge a cover. 

1:50  Murse (man nurse) gets through cleaning up the blood and proclaims that he's going to "get a little extra for me" and proceeds to my "taint" to clean up the blood and iodine that has leaked there.  If I didn't have a gaping hole that was just sutured up, I would have jumped off that bed and kicked HIM in the taint!!!

1 week later - Go to the doctor's office to get the stitches removed and was told that we had to keep 4 of them in for another week.

1 week later- Screw the co-payment, I took the stitches out myself!!!!

Update:  I've been lubing my leg up with Vitamin E oil and it seems to be progressing nicely.

No Animals Were (seriously) Hurt in This Experiment

I'm the biggest animal lover out there. (See previous posting "It's a Beer & Benadryl Night" posting. So don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my Ambien shoes.  So I rescued a dog earlier this year  (rescue sounds so noble-doesn't it?)  I love this dog with all my heart but for an adopted dog I could've already bought a pure bread for what I've spent on him.  (Don't worry...Ambien Girl is vehemently oposed to buying pet shop dogs).  I got a cut rate deal when I adopted him because he was going to be put down that day.  But from there  my dog who I shall refer to as "Dog" to protect the innocent has cost me a shitload of money.  Dude! This was a street dog when I got him....why am I now taking him to the doggie dentist to get teeth pulled.  Why do I go to the ver to get his eye and ear infections taken care of?  This dog's got "street cred"....he diesn't need all this pampering. Ok....who am I kidding? I'm spoiling him rotten. 

Wow....I've really gotten off topic here. Back to the point.  My doggie dentist says that "Dog's" teeth are in such bad shape he'll have to have them cleaned every six months. Normally I'm a cynic when it comes to being taken advantage of, but this doctor is telling the truth. Within 2 months of his teeth cleaning they are brown and "Dog" has a serious case of halitosis.  Wanting to be the conceintious dog owner I did some research and found out that you can buy doggie toothpaste to clean your dog's teeth at hom.  Well, I march right up to Petco and get me a tube of that shit. 

Here's where it all goes down hill.....I waited until I took the Ambien before I started cleaning his teeth.  Needless to say, "Dog" hated the toothpaste.  I'm thinking "how bad can it be"  I'll just let him see me taking a taste of it and then he'll be all over it like white on rice."  WHAT WAS I THINKING TASTING DOGGIE TOOTHPASTE? It was horrible!!! And "Dog" was not believing a thing I was selling.  So......in my Ambien haze I thought to myself  "he loves his Kong Suffin'"  (affi sort of cheeze whiz if you will for dogs).  Why don't I just put a little toothpaste on the toothbrush and then put the Kong Stuffin' on top of the toothpaste and try it that way?"  WHY NOT??? Well, because your dog WILL GET VIOLENTLY ILL that's why!!!!  Within 2 minutes of me trying to force this stuff in his mouth on toothbrush "Dog" is chewing at the carpet like a wild animal. I figured that he was doing this because dogs try to eat grass when they are sick so I take him outside of my apartment door to let him graze on the grass.  (Breaking Ambien Rule #1...Don't leave the house after taking an Ambien).  So "Dog" is grazing on the grass like a prized heffer and some guy comes along and looks at me like I'm crazy.  And how do I respond?  "Bad toothpaste experience," I tell him like this is just an everyday normal thing for me to be sitting outside at 10:00 with a dog tearing the grass to smithereens.  What's the moral of this story?  Don't brush your dog's teeth on Ambien.

I've built up one hell of a tolerance or I've got Spina Bifida

Holy schmoly...I've had a horrible pain in my neck and back since yesterday morning and nothing is getting rid of it.  Here's a run down on what meds I have taken. 

Saturday morning 8:00 am -1 prescription anti-inflammatory and (Skelaxin) and 1 Advil

Saturday morning 10:00 am - Not even a dent in the pain so I take another Advil

Saturday noon - The pain is getting worse. Time to pull out the big guns. Take 1/2 pain pill (Tramadol)

Saturday 1:30 - NO RELEIF WHATSOEVER....Say "fuck it" and take the other half of the pain pill and another anti-inflammatory.

Saturday 3:00 - I'm still in pain, but now I'm high. What a waste of a high.

The rest of Saturday was a blur, but I woke up Sunday in pretty bad shape.  I've self diagnosed...it's either Spina Bifida or Multiple sclerosis. 

I just took an Ambien....I hope I don't pull a "Heath Ledger."

I'm going to go answer a yahoo question as I am out of inspiration today.

HOT DAMN!!! Ambien Girl Wins Another Yahoo Best Answer Award

I have no idea how it happens...but I did it again. I won another best answer award on Yahoo Questions. If only they new I was answering these questions riding the Ambien high.

This one might get my Yahoo Expert priveleges stripped away

Wreckless medical advice....Ambien Girl is out of control.

Making cash money on medical surveys

I'm hooked! I had a friend how told me about this company in my area that would pay you to try products out. Well, I got my first call last week and get this....they are going to pay me $65 to put an air freshener in my house for a week and then fill out a survey. Shit, can I get 5 of them??? Now that they have me in their web they called me early this week and asked if I would be able to do another survey that paid $75 for an hour's worth of my time. They said it would involve watching a "program" and they would be recording my responses. Hmmmm....should have asked more questions at that point. I get to this place on Wednesday and I felt like I was going into a pawn shop. It was just kind of embarrassing. As soon as I walk in the door this place is huge!!! It has an actual grocery store set up inside. Some lady at a folding desk practically jumps out at me and drags me over to her table. (Which I thought was strange because there was a huge fancy recption desk right in front of the door). Dude, this lady was stealing me from the other company. After a small squirmish broke out between the rival companies, I was taken into a room with 4 other people. And wouldn't you know it??? Two super hot dudes in the room!!! The lady in a very thick oriental accent tells us what to expect. I couldn't understand a word she was saying, but I understood what was going to happen as they are putting electrodes all over our face and hands. Don't you know I was looking hot! Then they come out with the shower cap and I'm thinking to myself "what are my boundries here...at what point do I just get up and leave?" They measure our heads to see what size cap we need and the lady next to me whips off her weave....I just about peed in my pants! I've got to get to the point here. They put this tight cap on my head and it's got holes all through it where they are going to put "leave in condition" so it will conduct better with the electic thingies. I called BULLSHIT on that one....I expect my hair will fall out within days. So I am sitting in a chair with 10 wires strapped to my face and arms and the lady is sticking "leave in conditioner/aka cancer gel" into the holes. The shit starts oozing all over my head under the cap. At this point I was thinking "well at least I'll have something to Ambien Blog about tonight). So we get up and have to walk past a room of people taking surveys....at this point my self respect was gone so it wasn't' a biggie. They take me into a glass room and start hooking my head up to a machine. After she plugs about 30 wires into my head she tells me to relax while she checks the readings. RELAX????? I didn't understand a word of what we were told when we came in (thanks Nail Salon Lady). Holy crap....I sit there and I hear things wizzing, but no pain. All of the sudden her voice booms over the speaker in the room "YOU REALLY NEED TO RELAX YOUR FOREHEAD AND JAW...I'M NOT GETTING A GOOD READING." How the fuck does she expect me to relax hooked up like a white trash christmas tree? Finally I get relaxed enough and the thing starts. Words flash on the screen and when I see a word with a green letter I am supposed to hit a button. This went on for about 5 minutes....I thought I was going to loose my mind. Either than or these people were brainwashing me. Finally a picture of a damn Potato Chip bag comes up and I just stare at it for about 3 minutes. We go through this whole scenario about three times and finally they are done with me. Like a hooker in a cheap hotel room, I rush to the bathroom to wipe the remaining "jizz" off. (my head you dirty bastards). I walk out to the lobby trying to act like I had a shred of self esteem left and collect my $75 check.

HOLY CRAP...I googled "electrodes" an a picture of the exact same shit I had on is in this picture.

It's a Beer and Ambien Night...Ambien Girl bathes puppy mill dogs today

Yeppers....I just got home and slammed a beer and took an ambiem. It was a rough day. I got an email from the manager of a local no-kill animal shelter where I volunteer from time to time. The police department had arrested a lady who was running a puppy mill and the animal shelter had brought in 100 of the 600 dogs that were seized. The shelter was overwhelmed and needed volunteers to come and help out. For a little background follow this link and read the story....

http://www.wfaa.com/video/?nvid=388351&shu=1

The puppy mill owner (who shall be called "The Bitch" from now on) said that she loved all of her pets and took care of them. IS THAT POSSIBLE WITH OVER 6OO ANIMALS Ms. BITCH???? I think not. I saw these puppies first hand and bathed and dried thier fieces encrusted bodies covered in fleas and ticks. I cut away matts the size of a golf ball in thier fur. Does that sound like the way someone would treat their dogs if they love them? Trust me, these dogs did not know love. You could tell that most of them had never been held or cudled before. The stench coming off of them made me gag for the first half hour until my nose just finally gave out and accepted the smell. I'm not going to get into the gruesome parts, but these dogs were in dire need of medical attention. Not to sound insensitive, but as I am washing these puppies I'm thinking to myself "God they are in such bad shape don't let a leg or head fall off." That's how bad some of them were.

Most of these dogs have never had a bath in their life and guess who got to give them their first? Moi! Me, with my non-existant dog grooming training. I don't know who got more wet, the dogs or me. I must say there was one bittersweet moment tonight. After bathing a dog that had spent his entire life in a cage, we had to take the mats out of his tail. (I'm not talking your run of the mill house dog mats....these were huge!) Once we go through trimming his tail, he looked behind himself and seemed suprised that he actually had a tail that could move. And the best part of all.....he started wagging his tail for the first time since he'd been brought in.

It was soooo hard leaving tonight knowing that some of the other dogs in critical condition might not make it through the night. All I could do was say a prayer at thier cage and whisper to them that there's a special place in hell reserved for thier owner.

I hope my readers can understand that I'm not in the mood to be sassy tonight. All I want to do is grab my dog and hold him for hours.

Jessica, my friend....

Thanks for checking in on Ambien Girl Jessica! Per chance do you have an Ambien to take tonight? If so, let's chat on yahoo messenger. Email me at ambien.girl@yahoo.com. I'm so excited

This one is going to suck

I've let myself down tonight. Every once in a while I encounter what I refer to as a "dud" Ambien and I think I got one tonight. In my mind, that rude clerk at Walgreens switches out a few of my Ambiens with a placebo. That bitch....I'm kickin' her ass the next time I go up there! (You know the Ambien is not working when I become violent....I am usually all about the love on Ambien).

I'm reaching out to my followers....inspire me....give me something to write about tomorrow night.

But for tonight, you are stuck with some lame yahoo answers I posted. Sorry

It's official...I'm and Ambien addict AND a YAHOO QUESTIONS Addict

But I'm not alone...check out "Anonymous Girl's" posting.

(Be sure to click on the picture to open it in a larger format)

Staci Ann I love you!

Enough said!

It's OFFICIAL....I am a YAHOO EXPERT!!!

I would like to take a moment to thank everyone who got me to where I'm at right now. Specifically there has been one person who has followed me from the very begining and has been my biggest fan and without him (her?) I wouldn't be here tonight to accept my "Best Answer" Award from Yahoo Questions. Thank you CHEMICALLY BALANCED. (See the blog below to explain the juicy relationship between CB and myself.

Ok...but seriously, I just about peed my panties when I looked at the question I answered that won the "YAHOO BEST ANSWER" award. Wait..back up a bit....my answer is not the funny part. What's funny is the dude's answer. I've saved another innocent sould from the Ambien Addiction. (Poor sucker doesn't know what he's missing out on).

YOU'VE GOT TO READ THE ENTIRE THING...JUST CLICK ON THE PICTURE AT THE TOP OF THIS BLOG AND IT WILL OPEN IN A BIG WINDOW SO YOU CAN READ IT. Trust me, you won't be dissapointed!  I've circled his response....classic!

chemically ~ balanced

Ahhhhh...the sweet feeling of success. I have my first blog follower....and the winner is.....duh da da duh (drumroll please) "CHEMICALLY ~ BALANCED" CB (if you don't mind me calling you that) I feel this deep need to get to know you better. Who are you? Where are you from? Are you a boy or girl? (If you're a boy, are you single and cute?) Are you young? Are you old? Are you naturally chemically balanced or like me, do you rely on addictive drugs? I feel this bond with you CB....tell me more.

I need my first "Follower"

By no means am I suggesting that you might be a "Follower" (as opposed to a leader), but someone please "Follow" my blog. I'm begging here!!! Who knows, when my blog becomes world famous, you'll be known as the first "Follower." FYI...there's no shame in 2nd place (or 3rd, or 4th....) All you have to do is click on the white box on the right side of this page and viola! you're a follower and I LOOOOVE YOU! Ok....Ambien is really kicking in...I'm becoming very amorous! Time to brush the dog and stick a pizza in the microwave. (I've grounded myself from using the oven while on Ambien....see previous post for explanation)

COME ON...FOLLOW ME! Don't be shy!

Still haven't gotten kicked off Yahoo Questions!!!!

I'm a huge believer in karma and I think I'm going to get some bad stuff coming my way after my yahoo behavior tonight.

(CLICK ON THE PICTURE TO ENLARGE IT)

Beer and Benadryl Blogging

I got sidetracked yesterday and wasn't able to pick up my prescription. (I found out tha the pharmacy could give 5 pills until my insurance company authorized the refill. Ok, they didn't "give" me the 5 pills...they ended up costing about $30. That's $6 freakin' dollars per pill!!!!). Anyway, I didn't pick up the Ambien yesterday before the pharmacy closed, so I decided to go the beer and benadryl route. Obviously by the lack of a blog last night we all know how that worked. I went from wide awake to zonked out in half an hour. Good news is that I picked up the Ambien today and took it about 15 minutes ago, so we should be good. Stay tuned for tonight's posting. I had so much fun on "Yahoo Questions" I think I'll go back there tonight. I am just amazed that I didn't get banned yet for some of my answers. Now I'm on a mission...exactly what does it take to get banned from that site?

HOLY CRAP!!! I'm out of Abien!!!

Panic is setting in...I was going to pick up my Ambien today and imagine my shock when I found out that it can't be refilled until my insurance company authorizes it. WTF???? Don't they know that I have a very important blog going on here that depends on my stash of Ambien? Not to mention my dismay at the prospect of having to go to bed tonight without my precious Ambien? Either I shell out the $500 for the Ambien or I'm S.O.L. And who pays $500 for a prescription????? That is madness! I guess a trip to the liquor store is in order. I've got to have something to mix with my Tylenol PM

Apparantly I'm an Ambien Expert Now

I love waking up in the mornings to see the destruction I've done the night prior while I'm on Ambien. This morning was quite the "score"....apparantly I think I'm the Ambien expert. I thought I had just posted the one answer to the idiot's question about the condom breaking (see posting below). But imagine my suprise (ok, I wasn't really that suprised) when I realized that I had answered several other questions on "Yahoo Questions" about Ambien. But then when you think about it, what better person to answer a question about Ambien than someone who is on the drug as they are answering the question??????

Oh, and I love the shameless plug at the end of each answser I give.


(If you click on the picture, it will open in a bigger screen where it will be easier to read)

Now, That's Just Mean. Ambien Girl Goes Off On Poor Dude

I started the Ambien blogging off with the best of intentions....but we all know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Anyways, I took my Ambien about an hour ago and it's becoming a bit difficult to type, so I'm going to make this short and sweet. I had intended to use "Yahoo Questions" as a source of material to write about tonight. Things got out of hand (as they usually do with Ambien) and I decided to reply to this guy's question. I'm fairly certain my yahoo privelidges will be yanked by the time I wake up from my peacefull Ambien sleep, but screw it....I got a laugh out of it and I think I gave the guy some good advice. What do you think about the advice I gave him? Post your feedback and let me know. (Click on the picture at the top of this post and it will open a larger screen with my post).

Smooches...time to make some nachos.

Preview your Answer - Yahoo! Answers

Preview your Answer - Yahoo! Answers

Last Night's Posting

Ok, last night’s Ambien blog was lame even by my standards. But that’s what you get with Ambien…it’s a hit or miss drug. Sometimes you get a wild ride and sometimes you just fizzle out. To thwart off lameness tonight, I’m asking you, my (hopefully) loyal reader, to email me a subject you want me to pontificate tonight in my Ambien induced blog. To make it fair, I won’t open any emails until the twilight of my Ambien coma (in laymen’s terms….about half an hour after I take it). We wouldn’t want me to have any lucid thoughts before I start writing-would we?

In the very likely event I don’t get any emails (hey-I’m new at this), I’ve decided that I’ll go to my favorite website-“Yahoo Answers” and ask the question “WTF?” Whatever the first question that pops up will be the subject that I write about tonight. (The questions change almost instantly, so I won't be able to cheat ahead of time). Fair enough? Stayed tuned for tonight’s blog!

Some of My Best Ambien Stories

Do I waste another valuable Ambien half hour trying to figure out how to take my damn dog's picture off the bottom of my profile? Nah....better R.O.I. if I blog.

So, where did I come up with the idea to blog when I'm on Ambien? It seems that if anyone catches me after I taken my ambien I'm quite the character. And to think I am a mess before I take the Ambien.....I can only imagine what I'm like after I take it. And the answer is "yes, I took an Ambien about an hour ago." Chased it with 3 slices of cheese toast, an Orange Crush and a huge M-n-M cookie. Which brings me to some of my favorite ambien stories that include food. As my ex-husband used to say, my window of opportunity is diminishing so I'll try to get to the point.

Yes, it's true that one of the many side effects of taking Ambien is sleep eating. One night after taking an ambien, I had nightmares about rolling around on a beach and not being able to get up. The sand was just tearing up my skin. Fast forward to 7:00 am and I wake up with a bag of popcorn spilled in my bed. Not the most comfortable thing to sleep on. And then there is the "Whopper Incident." After a particularlly restful night on ambien, I awoke and went to the bathroom. As I sit on the toilet, I see that I am covered in SHIT!!! I really think I've done it this time...the line has been crossed....I am now a bed shitter. After taking a quick shower I mope into the bedroom to change the sheets and I see an empty Whopper candy box and Whoppers covering my bed. I live to see another day of continence. Oh happy day!

Well, my eyelids are drooping and I'm getting that familiar urge to brush my dog. Hopefully I'll be able to find the brush tomorrow morning. Someone tell me why I put it in the microwave last night. It could have been those Ambien induced microwaved nachos that was the culprit. Whateverr...I'm off to brush the dog. Ta ta...until the next Ambien night!

UPDATE: Once I sobered up from the Ambien I figured out how to take the picture of my dog off my profile.