I've been to 2 County Fairs AND a Goat Ropin', but I've never seen shit like this.

I'm tarnished for life!!!!  My beautiful leg will never be the same....oh the misery!  Long story short, I ended up in the Emergency Room not too long ago after slicing myself on a piece of glass.  Have you ever seen anything so disgusting?  My best friend calls it my "second pussy."  (She's classy like that).

Here's how the day progressed at the ER.

9:00 am - Sit on the glass from a picture frame that was propped up against my wall.

9:01 am - Try to wipe of the sticker on my leg, but start hyperventalating when I realize that is not a sticker, it's a HUGE GAPING HOLE IN MY LEG.

9:02 am - Run around the house like a mad woman. (Have any of you seen "Bad Santa" with Billy Bob Thorton?  I ran around the house and screamed like that little boy when he got cut by a knife........"ooooooh,  ooooh, oooooh,  oooh, oooooooooh!!!!")

9:05 - Realize if I don't get someone here soon I will probably bleed out and die a lonley woman with my dog having to eat me until someone discovers me.

9:10-9:25-While waiting on my ride to take me to the hospital, I do the only thing a self respecting blogger would do.  I take pictures of my injury while waiting. 

9:25 My charriot arrives and takes me to the ER

10:00 am - Walk in the ER with this gash/second pussy protruding out of my leg.  Nurse tells me to take a seat and someone will help me.  (I'm thinking to myself, "there better be someone dying back there...otherwise you get me and my second pussy back there STAT!!!!!)

10:45  Finally make it to "triage" where they ask me what my symptoms are.  Seriously lady, the 4" long by 1.5" deep gash in my leg doesn't give you an idication of what's wrong with me?   When she asks me on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst), how my pain is, I decide to fuck with her.  "Oh, about a 3,"  I say, thinking she will get my twisted sense of humor that this HUGE GASH only hurt on a level of 3.  Stinkin' nurse writes down "3."

11:00 Sent back to lobby and they will call me when they're ready.

11:45 Get called into ER.  Now get this shit....this is where it gets good.  Some nurse comes to my room and gives me a $10 gift card to Bath & Body Works because it took longer than 20 minutes for them to get me in a room.  Being the bargian concious shopper that I am, I am torn between the cool gift card and the fact that I am at a hospital that gives out gift cards for their ineptness.  Cool gift card won!!!

12:00 Doctor comes in asks me what I want, stitches or staples.  Hello?  What causes the least scarring, and while you are in there, could you stick in your majic liposuction wand?  Stitches it is and no liposuction. 

12:15 Nurse comes in to give me tetnus shot.  Pain level?  9++++

12:30 Nurse comes in room while I am in the bathroom and leaves my pain killer on the cabinet.  Being the recreational pharmacologist that I am, I grad that pill like no one's business and swallow it down.

12:35 Nurse comes back in looking for pill she left on the counter. 

12:36 Lecture from nurse about the danger of taking medication without proper supervision.  ("F" her!!!! Don't leave pain pills laying around when my second pussy is bleeding like a muther!)

1:00 Doctor comes in to do the stitches.  I plead my vanity case and ask the doctor ever so nicely to make "teeny tiny" stitches.

1:01 After doctor administers the most hair rasingingly painful shot I've had in my 38 years, I tell him that my Turretts has been acting up and I apologize in advance for anything that might come out of my mouth. 10 shots later the doctor is quite impressed with my "potty mouth" (his words, not mine).  Hey, I'm here to educate the world on the fine art of stringing cuss words together to create the most unpleasant effect. 

1:30 FOURTEEN (yes 14!!!!) stitches later, the doctor has had enough of me and will send a nurse in to "clean me up. 

1:45  In comes a male nurse and he's dragging along an EMT because in the nurses words, "you've just got to see this man!"   I'm not sure if he's talking about the fact that I forgot to put panties on that morning and you can see straight up to my pooswah, or if he's talking about the narly stitches.  Either way, I told him if he brought one more person in, I was going to charge a cover. 

1:50  Murse (man nurse) gets through cleaning up the blood and proclaims that he's going to "get a little extra for me" and proceeds to my "taint" to clean up the blood and iodine that has leaked there.  If I didn't have a gaping hole that was just sutured up, I would have jumped off that bed and kicked HIM in the taint!!!

1 week later - Go to the doctor's office to get the stitches removed and was told that we had to keep 4 of them in for another week.

1 week later- Screw the co-payment, I took the stitches out myself!!!!

Update:  I've been lubing my leg up with Vitamin E oil and it seems to be progressing nicely.

No Animals Were (seriously) Hurt in This Experiment

I'm the biggest animal lover out there. (See previous posting "It's a Beer & Benadryl Night" posting. So don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my Ambien shoes.  So I rescued a dog earlier this year  (rescue sounds so noble-doesn't it?)  I love this dog with all my heart but for an adopted dog I could've already bought a pure bread for what I've spent on him.  (Don't worry...Ambien Girl is vehemently oposed to buying pet shop dogs).  I got a cut rate deal when I adopted him because he was going to be put down that day.  But from there  my dog who I shall refer to as "Dog" to protect the innocent has cost me a shitload of money.  Dude! This was a street dog when I got him....why am I now taking him to the doggie dentist to get teeth pulled.  Why do I go to the ver to get his eye and ear infections taken care of?  This dog's got "street cred"....he diesn't need all this pampering. Ok....who am I kidding? I'm spoiling him rotten. 

Wow....I've really gotten off topic here. Back to the point.  My doggie dentist says that "Dog's" teeth are in such bad shape he'll have to have them cleaned every six months. Normally I'm a cynic when it comes to being taken advantage of, but this doctor is telling the truth. Within 2 months of his teeth cleaning they are brown and "Dog" has a serious case of halitosis.  Wanting to be the conceintious dog owner I did some research and found out that you can buy doggie toothpaste to clean your dog's teeth at hom.  Well, I march right up to Petco and get me a tube of that shit. 

Here's where it all goes down hill.....I waited until I took the Ambien before I started cleaning his teeth.  Needless to say, "Dog" hated the toothpaste.  I'm thinking "how bad can it be"  I'll just let him see me taking a taste of it and then he'll be all over it like white on rice."  WHAT WAS I THINKING TASTING DOGGIE TOOTHPASTE? It was horrible!!! And "Dog" was not believing a thing I was selling.  So......in my Ambien haze I thought to myself  "he loves his Kong Suffin'"  (affi sort of cheeze whiz if you will for dogs).  Why don't I just put a little toothpaste on the toothbrush and then put the Kong Stuffin' on top of the toothpaste and try it that way?"  WHY NOT??? Well, because your dog WILL GET VIOLENTLY ILL that's why!!!!  Within 2 minutes of me trying to force this stuff in his mouth on toothbrush "Dog" is chewing at the carpet like a wild animal. I figured that he was doing this because dogs try to eat grass when they are sick so I take him outside of my apartment door to let him graze on the grass.  (Breaking Ambien Rule #1...Don't leave the house after taking an Ambien).  So "Dog" is grazing on the grass like a prized heffer and some guy comes along and looks at me like I'm crazy.  And how do I respond?  "Bad toothpaste experience," I tell him like this is just an everyday normal thing for me to be sitting outside at 10:00 with a dog tearing the grass to smithereens.  What's the moral of this story?  Don't brush your dog's teeth on Ambien.

I've built up one hell of a tolerance or I've got Spina Bifida

Holy schmoly...I've had a horrible pain in my neck and back since yesterday morning and nothing is getting rid of it.  Here's a run down on what meds I have taken. 

Saturday morning 8:00 am -1 prescription anti-inflammatory and (Skelaxin) and 1 Advil

Saturday morning 10:00 am - Not even a dent in the pain so I take another Advil

Saturday noon - The pain is getting worse. Time to pull out the big guns. Take 1/2 pain pill (Tramadol)

Saturday 1:30 - NO RELEIF WHATSOEVER....Say "fuck it" and take the other half of the pain pill and another anti-inflammatory.

Saturday 3:00 - I'm still in pain, but now I'm high. What a waste of a high.

The rest of Saturday was a blur, but I woke up Sunday in pretty bad shape.  I've self diagnosed...it's either Spina Bifida or Multiple sclerosis. 

I just took an Ambien....I hope I don't pull a "Heath Ledger."

I'm going to go answer a yahoo question as I am out of inspiration today.

HOT DAMN!!! Ambien Girl Wins Another Yahoo Best Answer Award

I have no idea how it happens...but I did it again. I won another best answer award on Yahoo Questions. If only they new I was answering these questions riding the Ambien high.

This one might get my Yahoo Expert priveleges stripped away

Wreckless medical advice....Ambien Girl is out of control.

It's OFFICIAL....I am a YAHOO EXPERT!!!

I would like to take a moment to thank everyone who got me to where I'm at right now. Specifically there has been one person who has followed me from the very begining and has been my biggest fan and without him (her?) I wouldn't be here tonight to accept my "Best Answer" Award from Yahoo Questions. Thank you CHEMICALLY BALANCED. (See the blog below to explain the juicy relationship between CB and myself.

Ok...but seriously, I just about peed my panties when I looked at the question I answered that won the "YAHOO BEST ANSWER" award. Wait..back up a bit....my answer is not the funny part. What's funny is the dude's answer. I've saved another innocent sould from the Ambien Addiction. (Poor sucker doesn't know what he's missing out on).

YOU'VE GOT TO READ THE ENTIRE THING...JUST CLICK ON THE PICTURE AT THE TOP OF THIS BLOG AND IT WILL OPEN IN A BIG WINDOW SO YOU CAN READ IT. Trust me, you won't be dissapointed!  I've circled his response....classic!

chemically ~ balanced

Ahhhhh...the sweet feeling of success. I have my first blog follower....and the winner is.....duh da da duh (drumroll please) "CHEMICALLY ~ BALANCED" CB (if you don't mind me calling you that) I feel this deep need to get to know you better. Who are you? Where are you from? Are you a boy or girl? (If you're a boy, are you single and cute?) Are you young? Are you old? Are you naturally chemically balanced or like me, do you rely on addictive drugs? I feel this bond with you CB....tell me more.

Still haven't gotten kicked off Yahoo Questions!!!!

I'm a huge believer in karma and I think I'm going to get some bad stuff coming my way after my yahoo behavior tonight.

(CLICK ON THE PICTURE TO ENLARGE IT)

Beer and Benadryl Blogging

I got sidetracked yesterday and wasn't able to pick up my prescription. (I found out tha the pharmacy could give 5 pills until my insurance company authorized the refill. Ok, they didn't "give" me the 5 pills...they ended up costing about $30. That's $6 freakin' dollars per pill!!!!). Anyway, I didn't pick up the Ambien yesterday before the pharmacy closed, so I decided to go the beer and benadryl route. Obviously by the lack of a blog last night we all know how that worked. I went from wide awake to zonked out in half an hour. Good news is that I picked up the Ambien today and took it about 15 minutes ago, so we should be good. Stay tuned for tonight's posting. I had so much fun on "Yahoo Questions" I think I'll go back there tonight. I am just amazed that I didn't get banned yet for some of my answers. Now I'm on a mission...exactly what does it take to get banned from that site?

HOLY CRAP!!! I'm out of Abien!!!

Panic is setting in...I was going to pick up my Ambien today and imagine my shock when I found out that it can't be refilled until my insurance company authorizes it. WTF???? Don't they know that I have a very important blog going on here that depends on my stash of Ambien? Not to mention my dismay at the prospect of having to go to bed tonight without my precious Ambien? Either I shell out the $500 for the Ambien or I'm S.O.L. And who pays $500 for a prescription????? That is madness! I guess a trip to the liquor store is in order. I've got to have something to mix with my Tylenol PM

Now, That's Just Mean. Ambien Girl Goes Off On Poor Dude

I started the Ambien blogging off with the best of intentions....but we all know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Anyways, I took my Ambien about an hour ago and it's becoming a bit difficult to type, so I'm going to make this short and sweet. I had intended to use "Yahoo Questions" as a source of material to write about tonight. Things got out of hand (as they usually do with Ambien) and I decided to reply to this guy's question. I'm fairly certain my yahoo privelidges will be yanked by the time I wake up from my peacefull Ambien sleep, but screw it....I got a laugh out of it and I think I gave the guy some good advice. What do you think about the advice I gave him? Post your feedback and let me know. (Click on the picture at the top of this post and it will open a larger screen with my post).

Smooches...time to make some nachos.