Monday, November 9, 2009

I've been to 2 County Fairs AND a Goat Ropin', but I've never seen shit like this.

I'm tarnished for life!!!!  My beautiful leg will never be the same....oh the misery!  Long story short, I ended up in the Emergency Room not too long ago after slicing myself on a piece of glass.  Have you ever seen anything so disgusting?  My best friend calls it my "second pussy."  (She's classy like that).

Here's how the day progressed at the ER.

9:00 am - Sit on the glass from a picture frame that was propped up against my wall.

9:01 am - Try to wipe of the sticker on my leg, but start hyperventalating when I realize that is not a sticker, it's a HUGE GAPING HOLE IN MY LEG.

9:02 am - Run around the house like a mad woman. (Have any of you seen "Bad Santa" with Billy Bob Thorton?  I ran around the house and screamed like that little boy when he got cut by a knife........"ooooooh,  ooooh, oooooh,  oooh, oooooooooh!!!!")

9:05 - Realize if I don't get someone here soon I will probably bleed out and die a lonley woman with my dog having to eat me until someone discovers me.

9:10-9:25-While waiting on my ride to take me to the hospital, I do the only thing a self respecting blogger would do.  I take pictures of my injury while waiting. 

9:25 My charriot arrives and takes me to the ER

10:00 am - Walk in the ER with this gash/second pussy protruding out of my leg.  Nurse tells me to take a seat and someone will help me.  (I'm thinking to myself, "there better be someone dying back there...otherwise you get me and my second pussy back there STAT!!!!!)

10:45  Finally make it to "triage" where they ask me what my symptoms are.  Seriously lady, the 4" long by 1.5" deep gash in my leg doesn't give you an idication of what's wrong with me?   When she asks me on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst), how my pain is, I decide to fuck with her.  "Oh, about a 3,"  I say, thinking she will get my twisted sense of humor that this HUGE GASH only hurt on a level of 3.  Stinkin' nurse writes down "3."

11:00 Sent back to lobby and they will call me when they're ready.

11:45 Get called into ER.  Now get this shit....this is where it gets good.  Some nurse comes to my room and gives me a $10 gift card to Bath & Body Works because it took longer than 20 minutes for them to get me in a room.  Being the bargian concious shopper that I am, I am torn between the cool gift card and the fact that I am at a hospital that gives out gift cards for their ineptness.  Cool gift card won!!!

12:00 Doctor comes in asks me what I want, stitches or staples.  Hello?  What causes the least scarring, and while you are in there, could you stick in your majic liposuction wand?  Stitches it is and no liposuction. 

12:15 Nurse comes in to give me tetnus shot.  Pain level?  9++++

12:30 Nurse comes in room while I am in the bathroom and leaves my pain killer on the cabinet.  Being the recreational pharmacologist that I am, I grad that pill like no one's business and swallow it down.

12:35 Nurse comes back in looking for pill she left on the counter. 

12:36 Lecture from nurse about the danger of taking medication without proper supervision.  ("F" her!!!! Don't leave pain pills laying around when my second pussy is bleeding like a muther!)

1:00 Doctor comes in to do the stitches.  I plead my vanity case and ask the doctor ever so nicely to make "teeny tiny" stitches.

1:01 After doctor administers the most hair rasingingly painful shot I've had in my 38 years, I tell him that my Turretts has been acting up and I apologize in advance for anything that might come out of my mouth. 10 shots later the doctor is quite impressed with my "potty mouth" (his words, not mine).  Hey, I'm here to educate the world on the fine art of stringing cuss words together to create the most unpleasant effect. 

1:30 FOURTEEN (yes 14!!!!) stitches later, the doctor has had enough of me and will send a nurse in to "clean me up. 

1:45  In comes a male nurse and he's dragging along an EMT because in the nurses words, "you've just got to see this man!"   I'm not sure if he's talking about the fact that I forgot to put panties on that morning and you can see straight up to my pooswah, or if he's talking about the narly stitches.  Either way, I told him if he brought one more person in, I was going to charge a cover. 

1:50  Murse (man nurse) gets through cleaning up the blood and proclaims that he's going to "get a little extra for me" and proceeds to my "taint" to clean up the blood and iodine that has leaked there.  If I didn't have a gaping hole that was just sutured up, I would have jumped off that bed and kicked HIM in the taint!!!

1 week later - Go to the doctor's office to get the stitches removed and was told that we had to keep 4 of them in for another week.

1 week later- Screw the co-payment, I took the stitches out myself!!!!

Update:  I've been lubing my leg up with Vitamin E oil and it seems to be progressing nicely.

1 comment:

  1. Ouch. That's all I can really manage to say.

    I'm enjoying your blog. I found my way over here from google by searching "Ambien Girl". I learned about Ambien Girl from one of the comments on Whether or not that was from you I do not know but I've been amused none the less. I hope to read more.