Thursday, August 27, 2009

No Animals Were (seriously) Hurt in This Experiment

I'm the biggest animal lover out there. (See previous posting "It's a Beer & Benadryl Night" posting. So don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my Ambien shoes.  So I rescued a dog earlier this year  (rescue sounds so noble-doesn't it?)  I love this dog with all my heart but for an adopted dog I could've already bought a pure bread for what I've spent on him.  (Don't worry...Ambien Girl is vehemently oposed to buying pet shop dogs).  I got a cut rate deal when I adopted him because he was going to be put down that day.  But from there  my dog who I shall refer to as "Dog" to protect the innocent has cost me a shitload of money.  Dude! This was a street dog when I got him....why am I now taking him to the doggie dentist to get teeth pulled.  Why do I go to the ver to get his eye and ear infections taken care of?  This dog's got "street cred"....he diesn't need all this pampering. Ok....who am I kidding? I'm spoiling him rotten. 

Wow....I've really gotten off topic here. Back to the point.  My doggie dentist says that "Dog's" teeth are in such bad shape he'll have to have them cleaned every six months. Normally I'm a cynic when it comes to being taken advantage of, but this doctor is telling the truth. Within 2 months of his teeth cleaning they are brown and "Dog" has a serious case of halitosis.  Wanting to be the conceintious dog owner I did some research and found out that you can buy doggie toothpaste to clean your dog's teeth at hom.  Well, I march right up to Petco and get me a tube of that shit. 

Here's where it all goes down hill.....I waited until I took the Ambien before I started cleaning his teeth.  Needless to say, "Dog" hated the toothpaste.  I'm thinking "how bad can it be"  I'll just let him see me taking a taste of it and then he'll be all over it like white on rice."  WHAT WAS I THINKING TASTING DOGGIE TOOTHPASTE? It was horrible!!! And "Dog" was not believing a thing I was selling. my Ambien haze I thought to myself  "he loves his Kong Suffin'"  (affi sort of cheeze whiz if you will for dogs).  Why don't I just put a little toothpaste on the toothbrush and then put the Kong Stuffin' on top of the toothpaste and try it that way?"  WHY NOT??? Well, because your dog WILL GET VIOLENTLY ILL that's why!!!!  Within 2 minutes of me trying to force this stuff in his mouth on toothbrush "Dog" is chewing at the carpet like a wild animal. I figured that he was doing this because dogs try to eat grass when they are sick so I take him outside of my apartment door to let him graze on the grass.  (Breaking Ambien Rule #1...Don't leave the house after taking an Ambien).  So "Dog" is grazing on the grass like a prized heffer and some guy comes along and looks at me like I'm crazy.  And how do I respond?  "Bad toothpaste experience," I tell him like this is just an everyday normal thing for me to be sitting outside at 10:00 with a dog tearing the grass to smithereens.  What's the moral of this story?  Don't brush your dog's teeth on Ambien.

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